I am being punched in the face by Valentine’s Day. Seriously, no matter where I go, BAM. I haven’t had a Valentines Date since 2010. And even then it wasn’t great. But Valentine’s Day has never sat well with me. In elementary school you’re forced to give cards to kids you don’t like. In middle school if you don’t have a date, you’re a loser. So on and so forth.
Valentine’s Day 2010 I was in the process of planning my wedding. Yes folks, you heard right. I was married July 24, 2010. I was also in the process of buying a house for me and my fiancé. He took me to a nice dinner to celebrate the day, no gift or flowers. Just dinner. But at the time I thought it was fucking fantastic (insert eye roll.)
We ended things on February 9th, 2011. I was at my friend Sarah’s house. We were drinking wine, laughing and having a great time. We decided to google my husband. The first site was his Twitter page, and the first line underneath said “you can suck if you want to”. The link led to 25 pages of him talking to women about going on dates, hooking up, etc. I was in complete shock, but why? I subconsciously knew it was coming. Why would he stay faithful to someone that gave him such an easy life? The challenge was gone.
A lot of things were wrong with my relationship with him. I should have known early on…but my need for validation that a man could love me was blinding. I was desperate for a man, any man, to prove that I was enough for him. I needed a man to show that he would stick around.
He moved out on February 14th. I didn’t consider it Valentine’s Day. To me, it was the day my life fell apart. Our entire relationship was a mess, but I thought that’s how things were supposed to be. Relationships weren’t supposed to be easy, otherwise they weren’t worth it…right? That’s what the quotes on Pinterest said!
I’ve been divorced for 6 years. It feels like it was a lifetime ago, but when Valentine’s Day comes around I always get a pit in my stomach. However, looking back it was the single most important day in my young adult life. It gave me the perspective that I was strong. I had the courage to walk away. I had instantly become an independent woman and I knew I deserved better than what my scum bag husband was giving me.
Although I get a twinge of anger towards couples around this time. I’m also so incredibly grateful. My life didn’t fall apart when I got divorced….it just started to get good! I know it sounds weird, but I’m grateful for the will be’s. I know that in my future I will be in a loving relationship with a wonderful man. I know that in my future I will be successful in life. I know my future partner will be faithful. And I can’t fucking wait.
So cheers to the what if’s, the will be’s, and the can’t waits. This Valentine’s Day I am planning on chugging a huge bottle of champagne by myself and enjoying the single life. Unless I get asked on a date, because duh.. And fellas, send you girl some flowers or candy to her job. We eat that shit up with a spoon. Happy almost Valentine’s Day.
Xoxo Allison