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Finally admitting I'm sad

**Trigger warning. Or not, I'm not sure. I just feel like I should probably say that.**

I have always been my own worst enemy. I stay in relationships, jobs, cities, friendships in hopes of being loved/appreciated/seen. I realized I was depressed when I didn't want to live anymore but I didn't know why. I thought it was because my boyfriend treated me horribly, I wasn't fulfilled at work, I just wasn't appreciated...I still don't know what triggered it, but I think it was because I stopped loving myself. I felt like I had failed.

I have struggled with severe depression for almost 2 years now. I remember, very vividly, the first time I thought about ending things. It was Thanksiginvg 2018 and I was alone. Not just away from family, but really alone. I was sitting on the couch talking to my then "boyfriend" via text. He was in Bali, "alone" on some beach on an all-expenses-paid vacation. I was sobbing uncontrollably and I told him I didn't want to be here anymore. I didn't want to live. I wanted to go lay in my tub and be done with this life. His response was "you have no reason to be sad." He was horrible and verbally abusive, so telling him I was sad was probably the worst way to go about things. I actually stayed with him for 2 more months.

I thought things couldn't get worse after dating that guy and then 2019 was like HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. It was hands down the worst year of my life. Every night I would go to bed and pray that I wouldn't wake up the next day. I needed the sadness to end. And every morning I would sob that I had woken up. That went on every day for over a year.

I would have vicious panic/anxiety attacks that were debilitating. I would pass out all the time from not eating. And then I'd make myself sick from binging. I would be sitting at my desk at work and would be on the verge of calling an ambulance because I thought I was having a heart attack.

When I confided in my doctor about wanting to die, she said I should see a therapist....yeah no shit Sherlock, but I couldn't afford it and my insurance didn't cover it. Gotta love American Healthcare, right? Someone else told me I was too pretty to die.

My depression lead to me losing my hair, missed periods, my cholesterol tripled, lost my best friends and I almost lost my job...twice. I also start cutting my arms and legs with safety pins.

I have never wanted to write about this but I feel like I went through it for a reason. I guess I'm still going through it. I still feel sad 75% of the time. I'd rather be alone than be around happy people. I use humor to avoid pain, etc.

So be kind to people. You never know what someone is going through. You never know someone's past. I think we forget how great we are. We get mad when our boss doesn't appreciate us, or we're blindsided by a nasty breakup, but that doesn't make us any less amazing. We don't have to wait to feel better to start trying to get better. Cry, scream, cuss....whatever helps a little bit. And then maybe it'll help a lot.

I'm still trying to heal my heart, mind, and soul. I don't know what that entails...maybe a move to the middle of nowhere, maybe a career change, or maybe just reminding myself that I am enough and that it's okay to be sad.

People always say that you if you're depressed, talk to someone....when I mentioned depression to someone I thought was my friend...she said she couldn't talk to a friend of hers anymore because she was depressed it was bringing her down. So if you don't have someone you trust, your friends are shitty or it's just easier to talk to a stranger...please don't hesitate to message me. <3


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