My identity has always been a single girl. For as long as I can remember I was the friend who dated a lot but never had a boyfriend. Who was always the third or fifth wheel. It never bothered me. How could it? I chose to be single.
I constantly joked about being lonely, or that I was on the hunt. In reality, I was content being the single girl in my group friends. Even though I wasn’t the only single girl, I was the one most vocal about it to any one that would listen. Hell, I started this blog based on the fact that I was single.
I made being single sort of a game for the past 8ish years. After I hit singledom for 2ish years it wasn’t so much that I wanted a relationship but more that I wanted to see how long I could be single for. Anytime someone would tell me they had been single for ____ months/years I’d have to reply with “well I’ve been single for 7 years.” What kind of psycho path does that?
My biggest fear getting into a relationship is that I will no longer have that identity of being the single girl. It was easy for me to hide behind. I didn’t have to talk about my hopes and dreams or even my fears and weaknesses. It was easy. I was living a very easy life with not much depth, truth be told.
It’s easy to be the fun girl. It’s easy to be the party girl. It’s even easy to be the homebody. But it’s not easy living that life wanting more. Knowing that you need more from people and deserve it.
Looking back at past relationships, they were never right for me. I think deep down, I knew. But I was too scared to admit that I had picked *another* wrong guy. I should have known that the guy who wouldn’t visit me after my back surgery shouldn’t have become my husband. I should have known the guy that just wanted sex ONLY wanted sex. And I should I have known that the guy kissing another girl in front of me on my birthday wouldn’t lead to a healthy, loving relationship.
But that’s the life I was living. I was so content with being single, I picked the wrong guys which would in fact KEEP ME SINGLE. And endless circle of unhappiness and “I told you so” to myself.
But what happens when that single girl is no longer single? In the past, when I had a “boyfriend” or I was dating someone, I still had the single vibes. Not because I was flirting or not 100% committed. But mostly because I was never able to open myself up enough to the other person enough to feel like I was their girlfriend.
What happens when you have to open yourself up to the possibility of more? What happens to the girl that no longer identifies as being single? What happens when you finally realize you deserve a good relationship? Or better yet…an amazing one.
It’s taken be the better part of 4 years to realize that I deserve someone amazing. I feel like that’s been a conversation I’ve had with friends, clients and even strangers. That we all deserve someone who shows that we are whole. That we are enough.
So what happens when the perpetually single girl is no longer single?
She’s really fucking happy.