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A few weeks ago I did a poll on Instagram. The question was “would you rather be breadcrumbed or ghosted?” I got a lot of messages about just being honest with the other person or actually breaking up with someone. I also got a lot of messages (mostly from women) asking what I would want in that situation.
Just so we’re all on the same page…
Breadcrumbed: Sending sporadic, non-committal text messages eventually ending a dating situation.
Ghosted: When someone you have gone out with disappears without explanation.
I have been ghosted and breadcrumbed recently. Both of them SHOCKED me. But I think that’s how these things go. We get attached, we stalk their social medias and dream up an imaginary relationship….no? Just me?
In January I went out with a great guy. The date lasted roughly 3 ½ hours, which in my opinion is always a good sign. We mostly talked about our jobs and families. He walked me to my car and we talked for another 20ish minutes and then said goodnight. I was smitten. But I never got a text, call, Instagram or smoke signal after. GHOSTED.
I went on another in January date (shocking, I know.) This guy was great. He was also a life/dating coach so I obviously thought it’d be a match made in heaven. We talked about anything and everything. The date lasted well over 4 hours. I heard from him 2 days later asking how I was, my weekend was etc. I sent him a text that week just asking how his week had been, etc. He sent me 4 texts in a row but none of them asking me out. And that was it. I knew our imaginary relationship was kaput.
But here’s the thing, if both parties aren’t interested you don’t consider it being ghosted. You consider it a relief and a wasted hair wash. The only person who feels that they’ve been ghosted is the person who was more invested. The person who had the feelings.
We’ve all been ghosted. There has been a term for it since Tinder was the only dating app. But breadcrumbing…that’s a fairly new one. And I actually think it’s harsher. You give the other person so much hope. No one wants to be strung along. It’s a shitty feeling. I think girls do it a lot before they actually meet a guy…and guys do it the most after a date.
Us girls are always like “hey, sorry I cant make it tonight. Rain check?” And then when he asks her out another night “oh sorry, I’m feelin under the weather, my grandma died and my cat is stuck in a tree.” We're the before the date breadcrumbers.
Guys on the other hand are the after date breadcrumbers. Girls get “hey, how’s your day” 8 times in 2 weeks, but they never ask us on another date. My day is and will always be great…because no one is going to complain to an acquaintance about their day. Stop asking, stop texting and stop giving us false hope. Eventually you never hear from them again OR they turn into a fuckboi and start hittin' you up at 2am with a "WYD" text.
I talk about this all the time is not having expectations with strangers. But of course it’s easier said than done. Especially nowadays. People find a glimmer of a nice person and they think they’ve got to lock it down.
So my preference is to be ghosted. I don’t need you to pretend to like me. I don’t need your random text messages asking how my day has been. If you want to see me, then see me. If you don’t, then don’t message me.
Yes, either way fucking sucks. I would MUCH rather a guy tell me that they’re no over their ex, or they didn’t feel that spark. But everyone, regardless of guy or girl, is afraid of hurting the other person. Unless you’re a narcissistic asshole.
Don’t draw something out longer than you have to.
Xoxo
Allison