I just got home from Alabama. Christmas has passed and we're all gearing up for the New Year. 2018. I can hardly believe it. Feels like just yesterday we were all preparing for the apocalypse that was supposed to happen December 31, 1999.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about 2017. It was a hard year for a lot of people. For me, it was my learning year. I’m so proud of the person I’ve became this year. They always say you don’t really know yourself in your 20's but I never thought that applied to me. Until now.
This time last year I was still getting over Josh ghosting me. Trying to figure out why I wasn’t good enough. Why I was never the girl that got the guy. I was dependent on friendships which were very onesided. I was working out all the time, trying to fill the void I had with something, anything. I was unhappy, and I didn’t even know it.
But 2017. Oh 2017. This was probably my favorite year as an adult. It wasn't good every day, but damn it was great. I became the person I was supposed to be. I found my worth...not in a man, job, or even instagram. I became happy with me, just me.
I had to say good bye to friends, whom I thought would be there through thick and thin. But a disagreement over a blind date setup brought it all crashing down. And that’s ok. I realized I was leaning on them for support, which I never received. I became better friends with my best friends, and became closer with people I’ve known for years. I started telling me friends I love them, because I would never want anyone to wonder how I felt about them. I started holding my friends at a higher level, and I feel that they did the same with me. No fights, no drama...just love and trust. That's how friendships are supposed to work!
I dated amazing men. Every single one of them were awesome. Now I know you’re probably thinking, if they’re so awesome then why aren’t you together? Simply put...it just wasn’t meant to be. Every guy lacked something that I need in a relationship. Whether that be trust, security, or commitment. Any woman would be lucky to end up with them.
I also started building a relationship with my brother. After not seeing each other for 7 years, and not speaking for the majority of them...we're finally on the right path to having some sort of relationship. Our past was tough. I've seen him twice this year because of Christmas and my mom's birthday. I've never seen her happier than us sitting around her Christmas tree.
And I hurt people. Not intentionally, of course. But it happened. A guy I dated now runs away from me if we’re at the same party. And I was also hurt. My feelings were hurt a lot. Shit happens. People say things they don’t mean, and people hear things the wrong way. That’s life.
I was looking at a work picture from February of this year. We take headshots every couple years for our website (were very fancy lol.) And I thought I looked different. Not drastically but something was off...besides the bulging vein in my forehead that came out of nowhere. I asked my coworker friend if she thought I looked different. And all she could say it “you look happier now.” I couldn’t even say anything. I just stared at the picture and realized how happiness has taken over my life and how much it shows.
For so many years I have been putting up this massive wall. To hide my feelings and emotions. To keep people at an arms length away. This big brick wall which no one could break through. I would constantly tell people I was mean, and they believed me. They could feel that I wasn’t happy. I would use sarcasm as a defense mechanism, because it kept people an arms length away.
But now my wall has been demolished. If I tell people I’m mean they just laugh at me and say “yeah right.” I always wonder how they know, but my happiness has shown through I suppose. People will say “you’re just saying that” or “I bet you’re a big softy.” And I guess now I am. I even cried a couple times, granted they were in movies...but it's a start!
I was talking with one of my close friends recently about a guy I had dated in the summer. She asked what happened and I told her he’d text me to hang but we never did. Then she said why don’t you reach out to him? I was shocked. I told her if he wanted to reach out, he would. And she said you won’t make even one exception? And I told her I didn’t need to. The man for me would have reached out already if he wanted see me. And I’ll never forget what she said. She goes “I can’t wait to meet the man that ends up with you.”
The man I end up with will be so incredibly amazing, and I’m so excited. I’m already in love with this man because I know it will be something I’ve never experienced. Maybe I've already met him. Maybe I haven't. But it' gonna be extraordinary.
So as we go into 2018 think about what it is you want. What you desire. And what drives you. When I went in to 2017 I never imagined I’d be writing a blog. Hell, I didn't even know I liked to write! And yet 10 days later we were up and running...and almost a year later I’ve written 48 blogs.
My life changed in 2017. I've never been more excited to start a new year and a new chapter in my life.
I hope you all find your happiness, your peace and your love in 2018. There are big things to come in 2018, I hope you are ready.