top of page

The Fumbles on Bumble, Continued

So we’re now in cuffing season, and online dating is even more popular. However, people's profiles are still horrible...but now for different reasons. I feel like my Bumble profile is me, 100%. I don't pretend to love hiking or crossfit. I don't talk about my love of animals or my dietary restrictions. But guys don't seem to get what a dating profile is all about.

So I decided to do a Part 2 to my Fumbles on Bumble blog (which you can read here.) Because guys just don’t get it.

Guys, don’t post pictures with celebrities. We know you’re not friends with them. We know that you fangirled and went and asked them for a picture. Girls don’t care!!! Do you think we get excited that you saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating dinner? No. Do you think walking behind Britney Spears in 2004 is cool? No. Does that photo shopped picture of you and John Mayer really make me think you’re gonna get us VIP tickets?? And do you think that being in a picture with Gordon Ramsey is gonna get you a date? Well maybe…if he’s cooking. But otherwise leave them be!!! And yes, these are actual pictures I have seen.

I can’t with the sunglasses anymore. Why do you have 6 photos with sunglasses on? If we go out at night, are you gonna wear sunglasses? No! So don’t wear them in all your pictures. And on that note…if you try and slide into a girls DM’s and allllllll your IG pictures for the past 12 months are with you wearing sunglasses then we have serious issue. And you should deal with that before trying to find a date online.

Next…Show us some damn teeth when you smile! It shows us good hygiene. And that your teeth aren’t fucked up. And if they are…I know a good dentist :)

And while we’re at it, why are you wearing hats in every single picture? If you’re bald or on your way just own it. If you’re confident we will hardly notice your hair. And bald is sexy! I’m sure Bruce Willis, Jason Statham and The Rock would agree. My 4th suggestion is don’t have blurry pictures. It’s 2017, most phones have a decent camera. And if you’re still using a flip phone, get someone else to take your picture. But a photo of you where can’t actually see what you look like will not help your single situation.

Next…stop with the fucking pictures of you at the gym. We’re glad you work out. We like that you’re fit. But posing in the mirror looks ridiculous. If you work out so hard, and you’re not a personal trainer or fitness influencer then why do you have 5 pictures of you flexing in the gym? These pictures are great for Instagram/Facebook/Snapchat or whatever else. But a dating site? No thanks.

And why are you posting pictures cuddled up to girls? Hard pass. Why do you think it’s a good idea? Trying to show us your “caliber of women” or what you’re used to? It actually just makes you seem like an asshole who dates as many women as possible. But she’s just a friend? You didn’t post any pictures with your guy friends, so I doubt you need to post any with you friend…who’s a girl.

Don’t say you want a girl that’s drama free. Ya know what that tells us? You attract drama. People who put “drama free, please” means that they are dramatic or only surround themselves with dramatic folk. No one cares that you like drama fee girls because no one in their right mind is gonna message you saying “I’m so dramatic, like all day errrday. I fucking love that shit” No girl will ever admit they’re dramatic, so why put it?

Don’t stick your tongue out in any picture…EVER. I don’t know why guys started doing this, but it’s not attractive. Plain and simple. Don’t do it.

If your occupation says entrepreneur, elaborate in the about me section. Otherwise, we’ll think you’re a drug dealer :)

You should be putting your best, most attractive picture as the first photo. You have 3 seconds to make a good first impression, otherwise we’re gonna swipe left faster than we can down a tequila shot.

Maybe with a good profile you’ll get your New Year’s kiss. Happy Swiping!



bottom of page