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Swiping IRL ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


When I say Speed Dating what do you think? A bunch of middle aged people who can’t get a date or maybe a divorcee who is too scared to try online dating? Yeah, me too. Speed dating originated in 1998. Almost 20 fucking years. And it still sucks…really, really sucks.

My friend Jo-El asked me to go and I was like eh ok, she for sure won’t hold me to this. I never in a million years thought I would actually go. But one Wednesday night, after too much champagne, we bought our tickets. Now first off, you have to pay for this shit. And second, they don’t supply any libations. WTF.

The day of the event I was getting more and more terrified. I don’t really get nervous on dates anymore. You at least know what the guy is going to look like, right? But speed dating is a completely different game. It’s basically 12, 5 minute blind dates. It’s pretty much my own personal nightmare. This swiping in REAL LIFE!

We show up to the restaurant and luckily there was a well-stocked bar. We walk in and I take one look around and beeline to the bar. I was still trying to keep sober September going, but there was no way in hell I was gonna do this without a cocktail or 7. I not so quietly tell Jo that I was not doing this shit and my happy ass would be nice and comfy at the bar. My new bff, bartender Bob, comes to ask me what I want….besides tequila, I needed all the other alcohol too. We order margaritas and then he sets down tequila shots. Game on.

Jo-El goes to check us in and I’m already sweating. The organizer has us all grab separate tables/spots and get comfortable. I chug my drink and get ready for the shit to hit the fan.

So the dates begin. You get 5 minutes with each man and when the 5 minutes are up they rotate to their right. You write their name down on a score sheet and you rate them based on your interaction. At the end of the night you pick your top 5 people. If you are in their top 5 as well then the Speed Dating organizer will send their phone numbers via email.

Now the guys at speed dating were pleasant. But these are probably the guys that have had zero luck on Bumble or meeting girls at bars….or meeting girls period. One guy barely spoke any English, one guy was literally 4’9”, and another was there with his girlfriend looking for a third person for their sexcapades! The girls were actually cute. I was surprised that most of them were there. From what I overheard, most of the girls were new to the area OR got talked into coming by a friend.

I think these men were probably flabbergasted that Jo-El, Christina and I were there. We looked hot, we were tipsy and we’re obviously very confident. A couple of them looked scared shitless to speak with us. And then there were a couple guys who acted like they had never even spoken to a woman let alone seen any cleavage. A couple guys used the ice breaker “what made you happy today?” I later found out that there are articles to help you be a better speed dater. *Eye Roll*

The whole thing was hilarious and awful. I learned that two of the guys had driven over 2 hours just for speed dating. I won’t even drive to Santa Monica for a date! I was actually more surprised by the fact that a lot of the guys had done speed dating before. I didn’t think Speed Dating was exciting enough to go 2 weekends in a row. But I guess when you’re lonely you’ll do what it takes.

By the end of Speed Dating I was bored and exhausted. None of the guys blew me away…in fact, I didn’t even feel a slight breeze. But I did have a good time. It’s nice to know that men in LA are actually interested in relationships and finding “the one.” I also realized that Speed Dating is a damn good story. Jo-El and I stayed at the bar until midnight chatting it up with the bartenders and random guys there. I ended up getting 3 numbers just from sitting there and talking about how bad Speed Dating was. I also had a massive hangover from Bartender Bob.

Would I do speed dating again? Not seriously. But it was fun to do with my friend. And honestly, it’s a huge ego boost. I was on enough people’s “yes” list that the Speed Dating organizer invited me back complimentary. So next time, I’ll go back but maybe I’ll be a southern belle named Jessica. Or an S&M chick named Sarah.

Xoxo

Allison


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