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The Fumbles on Bumble, Part 2

Last night, in the name of research and lots of wine, I made a fake Bumble account. First off, creating a fake Bumble profile is actually really fucking hard. I got a smokin hot guys photo from Google and started swiping away. Ladies…..they are so bad! Even with my wine goggles on, I was not impressed. So the information provided is from my experience and about 20 different guys :)

Let’s start at the beginning…the photos. Ugh. You’d think in 2017, girls would have better photos. But I shit you not….they are horrible. For the guys I said to have the following: really great face picture, a funny picture, a picture doing something cool, a picture with an animal and maybe a picture with a baby. For girls, I think it’s a little different. First and foremost, do not have 5 of the exact same photo but in a different outfit. Do you a massive mole on the left side of your forehead? Do you have a lazy eye? If you’re tilting your head to the right in every picture, your left better look pretty damn similar.

You should have a great face picture, it's not rocket science! I don’t know how many times I need to say it, but do not have a damn group photo as your first picture. Men are swiping like their sex lives depend on it…they’re not going to stop to see which girl you are. The next picture should be full length. Show that body! Let’s see what you’re working with! Guys want to know what’s going on below the collar bone. If you're curvy, don't surprise them with it on your first date.

The last couple pictures are wild cards. Another pretty face or funny photo will suffice. And now for Asshole Allison….if you put a group photo up, you better be the prettiest girl in the photo. I know…I shouldn’t say that, but here we are. If we judge men for not being the tallest, then they can certainly judge us for not being the prettiest. Do you really want your date wishing they were getting your bff drunk, instead of you??

In your photo selection please do not put a picture up of you standing in front of a door, cuddling up with your best girlfriend, before a night out at a club. The picture is usually blurry, you don’t look cute and it’s not flattering. You’ve probably already taken 3 too many tequila shots, anyways. AMIRIGHT. And girl, keep that tongue in your mouth. Whether or not you are trying be cute or sexy, you mostly just look like you give head on a first date. Side note, if you do, no judgement here. You do you girl.

Why would these ever be on a dating app? Although, that cheetah filter is FIRE.

While we’re on shitty photos, stop with the fucking DTLA wing pictures. When it comes to online dating, you need to stand out right? Having the same exact photo as 50 other women does not set you apart. In fact, you very quickly get grouped into the basic bitches category. You know what else gets you grouped in? FILTERS. Dear baby jesus, a snapchat filter has no reason to be on your Bumble. Yes, it’s cute. My IG is full of them. But the dog filter on Bumble is not going to help you in any way, shape or form. Guys HATE filters. Also, things that don’t work: duck face, puppies, duck face, baby pics, and oh yeah…duck face.

So enough with the photos. The only profile complaint I heard was to not have “please be funny” in your profile. Don't be an asshole. Men don't have "please have big tits" in their About Me. Anyways, in my opinion, a good profile talks about you’re interests. If you love traveling, talk about it! If you love scuba diving, put it down! But if you hate hiking, please don't say you love it. Because your man will not save you at Runyon.

I was reading a relationship experts advice on online dating, and his number one suggestion is don’t talk about things you don’t want. No guy feels excited when he reads the About Me that says, “If you’re not a dog person, swipe left!”, or “If you’re just looking for hookups, forget it!” – It makes you sound like a bitch. And if you write “Live, Laugh, Love” you deserve a good tit punch.

One thing I loved about these blog posts were how much people cared about online dating, or dating in general. Men want good profiles to find good women. Shocking right? And hopefully women want good profiles to find good men! The more you date, the more you learn. And maybe you’ll find the one.



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