It's been 10 days since my last confession...just kidding. But not really. I've had to really dig deep with a bottle of tequila to reach these feelings.
It’s so hard for me to open up about my feelings because I have trust issues. I’ve known this for a long time, but I never knew the root of problem. I was talking with my life coach 2ish years ago and we came to the revelation that my trust issues and emotionless comes from my dad. Ugh. I’m that girl. I hate being that girl. When I think of girls with daddy issues I think of girls who became strippers at 19, or attention seeking sugar baby who dresses in clothes way too small, and bangs anything that breathes. But here I am.
Relationship issues almost always stem from the relationship with one of your parents. And the relationship you have with the parent is then projected into your relationships with men or women. In most cases the issue can be pinpointed by a “trauma”. Like most girls, mine came from my dad.
I was adopted when I was 3 days old. My adopted dad and I had a close relationship for years, especially after my brother was born. However, the older I got the more I noticed he wasn’t around. I didn’t find out till later in life that my dad was bipolar, a computer nerd and a loner, which explained a lot of his actions.
When I was in the 6th grade I went to Busch Gardens for my end of year school trip. We had broken into groups of 6-8 and my dad was my group chaperone. My group wanted to ride a roller coaster, but I was deathly afraid of heights so I went and sat on a bench. An hour passed and they still hadn’t come through the exit. Long story short, I was lost in Busch Gardens for over 4 hours. Finally, another group found me and let me join them for the rest of the day. When we finally met back up at the bus I saw my dad laughing and joking with my friends. He hadn’t even tried to look for me. He said there were so many kids from my class he knew I’d find another group to hang out with.
Can you imagine that? Basically telling your child you didn’t even look for them? My dad and I have had little to no relationship since I was 16. I never knew why we drifted so much, until my “breakthrough.” We haven’t seen each other since July of 2010 and haven’t spoken since July 2015.
I can’t speak for everyone, but I know for me…I just wanted him to fight for me. And when I get into relationships now, I want someone to fight for me. I want someone to say “you’re good enough” or “you’re worthy of my love.” Men think women are clingy or needy. Or the opposite, they think they’re too independent. Maybe these women need validation that you’re not going to disappear as soon as things get tough, or when someone new on Bumble pops up you’re not going to run. Or that you won’t ghost them a week after asking them to move in!
I expect men to leave and then they do. I have trust issues because someone who chose to be my father suddenly decided he didn’t want to be my dad. It’s something he’ll struggle with for the rest of his life. I’ve made peace with him. But learning to trust men has been an ongoing battle. Hopefully the more honest I can be on this blog, the more honest I can be in real life.
Maybe the next post will be about the best chaser for tequila shots or something funny…until next time!