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All the Feels

Abandonment is a bitch. It hurts you to your core, and it never seems to end. You always have this nagging in the back of your mind, in your heart and in your soul that you’re not enough. You’re not enough of a man or woman, you’re not enough of a friend, not enough of a lover. You’re not a complete person. You’re not good enough.

I’ve been dealing with abandonment issues for as long as I can remember. I didn’t even know they were abandonment issues, so when they started popping up in my relationships I didn’t know how to deal. I was adopted when I was 3 days old. But somehow the nagging feeling still haunts me. My birth mom is from Jordan, she had me without anyone knowing. She was back to work the next day. Information about my birth father is a complete mystery. I don’t even know if he knows about me.

My adopted mom is the most amazing woman in the world. I love her more than anyone or anything. She’s my person. But the abandonment issues I have are still there. I’ve always known I was adopted. My parents never kept it a secret from me. When people would tell me I looked like my mom, I’d laugh and tell them I was adopted. Their reaction was always surprise or shock.

I’ve had 3 1/2 major people in my life leave. My birth mom, my adopted dad and my husband. I count Josh as the ½. He told me after 3 weeks that he saw us getting married and having a family. He even asked me to move in. But he left, with no reason or goodbye. If I look at each scenario as individuals, it doesn’t hit me that hard. I’m just kind of “whatever” about it. Everyone has some kind of issue, right? But when I think of them as one entity, as a whole, my heart breaks. I can feel the sadness I’ve pushed deep down over the years start to creep back up.

My birth mom wrote me a letter apologizing for leaving, she was really young so I understand. Being adopted was a blessing, I know that. When my adopted dad chose is online girlfriend over me all I could think was why? He lived right down the street, yet we hardly spoke. And then he moved to San Francisco to be with her. He couldn’t even spend time with me, yet he moved across the country for a stranger. He chose me when I was a baby, but couldn’t love me. He chose to be a father, but not my dad. And then my husband….I knew that was a shit show. Yet, I married him. I wanted someone to love me so desperately. I needed someone to fill the void.

I just told my friends this, it’s so embarrassing. But I used to watch music videos of love songs and just sob uncontrollably. My favorite song to cry to was Gone, by Nsync. I always thought to myself that no one would ever love me like Justin loved Britney. It’s so stupid, I know that. But my 14 year old self wanted a boyfriend so badly.

My entire life I’ve wondered why I wasn’t good enough. What was wrong with me that the most important people in my life didn’t want to stick around? I’m 28 and just now coming to terms that it’s not me, it’s them. My birth mother was too young to be a mother. She would have been disowned by her family. My adopted dad loved me the only way knew how. His father was horrible to him, but that’s the role model he had. And my husband was a man-child. He wasn’t ready for a wife and family.

My heart screams out that I’m not good enough. I’m cold, I’m blazeh, so why would someone want me? I’m too scared to get close to someone. Anyone who has promised to love me, has left. When I date people I’m constantly waiting for them to leave because they’ve found better. All I can think about it the fact that people who were supposed to love me unconditionally, didn’t. So what do I do? I push them away to “protect” myself.

When I was younger I thought I needed a boyfriend to be happy. To complete me, to validate me as a woman. I’m so confident on the outside, yet when relationship issues arise I revert back to thinking I’m not good enough, I’m not a whole person. I go above and beyond in a relationship to “prove” that I am enough.

I’m still learning, and trying to grow. It’s an ongoing process. I’m almost 30 years old and I am just now proving to myself that I am exceptional, I am whole, and I am enough.



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