A lot of times when I get DM’s on Instagram I expect something foul mouthed or grotesque. The most common was a dick pic. Luckily the pictures stopped when I started dating someone. So when the messages calmed down, I started really trying to read every message in my inbox.
Yesterday I received a message from someone looking for advice as to why they were still single, and what they could do to change. It was a short message, I didn’t think much of it. I told them to send me an email and I would do my best.
I was lying in bed last night when the email came through. I could tell the email was long, so I decided to skim through before really sitting down today and getting into it.
The message broke my heart in every way possible. I tossed and turned all night thinking about this person and the email. Now I usually get messages from men about dating and how girls suck, etc. But this message wasn’t about anyone else, just the person who wrote it.
I’ve always been an advocate for loving yourself and having confidence. But I never really stopped to think about how the lack of each can really affect someone. One line in this email really struck a chord with me. It read “I'm ugly and I'm pretty sure that's not a perspective thing. I guess the TL : DR of it all is that I don't really like myself and I can't imagine anyone liking me.” My heart broke into a million pieces, and tears ran down my face.
I won’t show you his email, as it was very personal. But I do feel the need to show my response, because I know there are many many other men and women who feel the same way.
My bullet points were responses to his bullet points.
Hi there,
I want to start out by saying thank you for reaching out to me. I always appreciate emails from readers, but yours especially.
In all honestly, your email really touched me heart. I was sitting in bed reading it last night and started to tear up. Not so much because of the words you typed, but I could feel your pain in the words you wrote. I’m so sorry you are in so much emotional pain. I know it’s not easy. People are their own worst enemy, you are not excluded.
To start, I will say that someone giving too much information in the beginning is a turn off. Women don’t want to know every single detail about you on the first date. And women love to talk. So it’s possible you’re doing more talking than listening?
Confidence: Confidence is key, I won’t say otherwise. I believe in faking it till you make it and what not. But I also know how hard it can be. Sure, taking advice from a traditionally attractive girl sounds ridiculous. However, I didn’t become this confident kick ass woman until recently. But no one would have known that when I was younger. I grew up thinking I was ugly, too tall, too fat, my hair was too curly, no one would love me, no one would ever stick around, etc. And it wasn’t until I started truly loving myself that I became confident in the person I am, was and who I will grow to be. Who cares if other people don’t think I’m awesome? I’m a bad ass motherfucker and I now know that other people’s opinions have nothing to do with my self-worth.
Financial: I’m surprised this is on your list. You make more money than most people I know, including myself by a long shot. Why don’t you ever take a vacation? Living in fear of the unknown isn’t healthy and it will literally get you nowhere. Money isn’t a big deal to most women, and the women who do care aren’t worth your time or energy. Stop worrying about money and start living your life. You could die tomorrow and have never done things you want to do. And then what happens to your money? Spend money on things you enjoy, that fill you with happiness.
Physical: YOU ARE NOT UGLY. YOU ARE NOT UGLY. YOU ARE NOT UGLY. And you will never say to yourself or another person again. The End. You don’t need to work out for someone to consider you, but you do need to be healthy. If you eat like shit and don’t work out then that may end up being a problem. Women do want someone who cares about their appearance. Plain and simple. If I wanted to date a slob, then I wouldn’t spend 2 hours getting ready for a first date. I’d go in sweat pants and unwashed hair. But you have to put effort into all aspects of a relationship. Even if it’s just starting out. Do a face mask once a week, get a massage. Something. My only advice is to go get a nice haircut and clean up your beard. If you want to have facial hair, you gotta keep it looking nice and fresh. Women don’t want to be scared of what they may smell when they kiss you. You're attractive!
Accomplishments: Women don’t care about your accomplishments. That’s a man thing. Women want to know that a man cares for them. That they are able to take care of their lady emotionally. Women don’t sit in locker rooms saying how great their man is at football, jobs or whatever else you think. You must stop comparing yourself to people you know. These people….are they god people? Are they in happy, healthy relationships? We compare ourselves to others all the time, but no one is living your life. No one has gone through what you’ve gone through. As long as you are trying to live your best life, that is an accomplishment in itself.
Experience: Are you telling women you never get past a 2nd date? Because that is a red flag. But only because they’ll question why they are going out with you. You don’t need to give this information out unless asked directly. I haven’t been in a long term relationship since I was getting divorced at 22. But I don’t tell men that on a first date. If you’re bringing you’re A – Game, experience shouldn’t matter.
Knowing How: I think this is the most relevant, but not for you specifically. Most men don’t know how to properly date a good woman. And I swear if I hear this free meal thing again, I’ll lose it. If you go on a date with a woman who has a full time job, do you think she’s going to spend 2 hours getting ready for a dinner at Pink Taco? Hell no, she’s not. Do you know how much makeup costs????
Practice makes perfect. If you think you’re overcompensating then you probably are. Pump the brakes. Enjoy the ride. You want to go from 0-60 without putting in any of the work. My boyfriend text me every day for 2 weeks before I agreed to go out with him. I even liked another guy when he and I started talking. But on our first date he woo’ed me. He took me to a restaurant that had my favorite type of food. Had my favorite drink waiting. He remembered what I liked and everything I said.
Love is completely worth it. It’s the most exciting and terrifying thing in the world. Sure it’s stressful and problems arise, but that’s life. My work is stressful and there are a ton of problems, but am I just not going to work? Hell no.
No one will love you until you love yourself. Plain and simple. You’re not crazy. You’re not doomed. Life happens the way it’s supposed to. You can meet the most amazing woman but if it’s not the right time, it’s not going to work out.
Instead of focusing on relationships, focus on yourself. Be the best person you can be. Live your life to make yourself happy instead of other people.
I hope this helps. I’m always here.
I know this is long, and you were probably bored half way through. But if you ever need to talk, please know that I’m here. Life is hard, especially without a listening ear. Whether you’re a stranger or a best friend, I’m here.
Xoxo
Allison